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Jared's Sports Commentary
The Philadelphia Sports Fans' Christmas Carol
Mistakes by the Lake
Thanksgiving Travesty
The Losers
Reasons Why Fantasy Sports Are Great
Philadelphia: A cursed sports town?
Trading Deadline Moves
Improved Bullpen Key to Winning
Sub-par Bowl XXXV

The Philadelphia Sports Fans' Christmas Carol

A Christmas parody, based on "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"



‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Vet
Not a championship was arriving, at least, not yet
The town’s four teams have no titles in 18 years
If you’re a Philly sports fan, there’s been little to cheer

Sports fans were nestled all snug in their beds
As delusional thoughts of a world title danced in their heads
But soon we were brought back to reality
By the likes of Joe Carter, Mitch Williams and Fregosi

Incompetent coaches came and went: Kotite, Francona, Simpson and Moe
These coaches weren’t here to teach, they were here to steal dough
Nary a victory parade went down South Broad Street
Far too few first-place seasons, and far too many defeats

The Sixers are a team that set NBA history
When in the early ‘70s, they went 9-73
A glimmer of hope appeared at last season’s end
But injuries early this season have not allowed them to contend

Even when the ‘97 Flyers looked like they were gonna win it all
The team had an offensive scoring drought, and eventually came up small
The 2001 Phils were a real surprise - their season was going quite well
Until that fateful late-August deal ... for Dennis Cook and Turk Wendell

How about those ‘94 Eagles? They started out 7-2
But in typical Philadelphia fashion, they crawled to the finish line too
They ended up 7-9, out of the NFL playoffs for sure
Each game at the end of that season was a three-hour bore ... a three-hour bore

The Temple Owls claim that they’re building a winner
But their level of talent has never been thinner
A barely Division I-A football team in a state of instability
Yet they still decided to build them a practice facility

However, no one expected Chaney’s team to start out this slow
After a 3-7 start, excitement’s at an all-time low
Villanova, Drexel, St. Joe’s and La Salle
Keep playing to win! Don’t throw in the towel!

But first, we must get rid of the pure imbeciles
That currently control the Philadelphia Phils
Most fans really doubt if the ownership cares
Resulting in the sight of empty stadium chairs

Their failure to spend money is a total disgrace
They’ll never get a sniff of sole possession of first place
Past free-agent signings included Telemaco and Leiter
And with cost-cutting moves on the way, the future doesn’t look brighter

And you wonder why crowds are small at the Vet
The ownership hasn’t given 100 percent
Right now, every Philly baseball fan’s dream
Is for Dave Montgomery and company to just sell the team!

Bradley, Wright, Dalembert, Weatherspoon
Recent Sixers drafts have been conducted by buffoons
Williams, Mamula, Harris and Dunn
Neither have Eagles drafts been too much fun

Suddenly, out on the streets there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter
People were visibly shaken, and in tears
The Eagles blew a chance to get their first division title in the last 13 years!

"Now, Bowa! now, Barber! now, Brown and then Reid!
Lead us to several pennants, that’s what Philly needs!
It isn’t enough to win Coach of the Year!
Now go out! go out! and bring a championship here!"

The first-place Eagles don’t need to hang their heads in shame
The Flyers went out, and won 3 straight home games
The Sixers aren’t injured any longer, of course
So don’t expect the basketball team to get any worse

But earlier this month, at baseball’s winter meetings
General manager Ed Wade did not provide season’s greetings
They signed Hollins and Perez, players destined for roles of utility


This news was not taken too well by the fans
Those who remained immediately scrapped season-ticket plans
And just when it appeared the Phils were on the cusp of winning
It’s back to the drawing board, to the very beginning

Lurie’s not much better, a penny-pinching chap
Who takes pride in the Eagles being well under the salary cap
So when we’re one player away from the Super Bowl
Don’t look for Jeff Lurie to spend too much dough

The only owners who spend lots of cash
Are the folks who run the Sixers and Flyers, Comcast
Under the control of Roberts and Snider
Our hopes for a championship might not be that dire

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This article was written December 23, 2001.