By JARED BYRD ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Vet Not a championship was arriving, at least, not yet The town’s four teams have no titles in 18 years If you’re a Philly sports fan, there’s been little to cheer Sports fans were nestled all snug in their beds As delusional thoughts of a world title danced in their heads But soon we were brought back to reality By the likes of Joe Carter, Mitch Williams and Fregosi Incompetent coaches came and went: Kotite, Francona, Simpson and Moe These coaches weren’t here to teach, they were here to steal dough Nary a victory parade went down South Broad Street Far too few first-place seasons, and far too many defeats The Sixers are a team that set NBA history When in the early ‘70s, they went 9-73 A glimmer of hope appeared at last season’s end But injuries early this season have not allowed them to contend Even when the ‘97 Flyers looked like they were gonna win it all The team had an offensive scoring drought, and eventually came up small The 2001 Phils were a real surprise - their season was going quite well Until that fateful late-August deal ... for Dennis Cook and Turk Wendell How about those ‘94 Eagles? They started out 7-2 But in typical Philadelphia fashion, they crawled to the finish line too They ended up 7-9, out of the NFL playoffs for sure Each game at the end of that season was a three-hour bore ... a three-hour bore The Temple Owls claim that they’re building a winner But their level of talent has never been thinner A barely Division I-A football team in a state of instability Yet they still decided to build them a practice facility However, no one expected Chaney’s team to start out this slow After a 3-7 start, excitement’s at an all-time low Villanova, Drexel, St. Joe’s and La Salle Keep playing to win! Don’t throw in the towel! But first, we must get rid of the pure imbeciles That currently control the Philadelphia Phils Most fans really doubt if the ownership cares Resulting in the sight of empty stadium chairs Their failure to spend money is a total disgrace They’ll never get a sniff of sole possession of first place Past free-agent signings included Telemaco and Leiter And with cost-cutting moves on the way, the future doesn’t look brighter And you wonder why crowds are small at the Vet The ownership hasn’t given 100 percent Right now, every Philly baseball fan’s dream Is for Dave Montgomery and company to just sell the team! Bradley, Wright, Dalembert, Weatherspoon Recent Sixers drafts have been conducted by buffoons Williams, Mamula, Harris and Dunn Neither have Eagles drafts been too much fun Suddenly, out on the streets there arose such a clatter I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter People were visibly shaken, and in tears The Eagles blew a chance to get their first division title in the last 13 years! "Now, Bowa! now, Barber! now, Brown and then Reid! Lead us to several pennants, that’s what Philly needs! It isn’t enough to win Coach of the Year! Now go out! go out! and bring a championship here!" The first-place Eagles don’t need to hang their heads in shame The Flyers went out, and won 3 straight home games The Sixers aren’t injured any longer, of course So don’t expect the basketball team to get any worse But earlier this month, at baseball’s winter meetings General manager Ed Wade did not provide season’s greetings They signed Hollins and Perez, players destined for roles of utility Wade said, "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND 18 MORE YEARS OF FUTILITY!" Epilogue This news was not taken too well by the fans Those who remained immediately scrapped season-ticket plans And just when it appeared the Phils were on the cusp of winning It’s back to the drawing board, to the very beginning Lurie’s not much better, a penny-pinching chap Who takes pride in the Eagles being well under the salary cap So when we’re one player away from the Super Bowl Don’t look for Jeff Lurie to spend too much dough The only owners who spend lots of cash Are the folks who run the Sixers and Flyers, Comcast Under the control of Roberts and Snider Our hopes for a championship might not be that dire |